This weekend, my autistic daughter has gone away for the first time. She is not being tucked up by me or her father or her step-father. Not one of us is making sure she has her snacks, or her non-gluten meals. Not one of us is reading her favourite story, or sticking stickers with her….
I have a hole in my heart.
It was so clear. The minute I came home from seeing clients after dropping her off, I poured myself a drink. I don’t drink. Last night I watched TV for four hours. I don’t do that. I couldn’t go near her room, even though there was (and is) a mass of stuff to clear up from her last rampage. Yes, I am walking past her door. I need to, to get to my computer. But I am cutting an energetic swathe around it, as if there is a force field of bottled up pain. No wonder I haven’t posted here for so long. There has been too much going on, particularly in emotional body……..
So, when I looked, I found a hole in my heart. A sort of sucked-out feeling. I’m not missing her, I’m just terrified.
So I tapped. Tapped using my EFT as if I was my own client. What are you feeling? Is there a particular memory with this emotion? Yes, when both children were little…..What happened? I tap on the memory. It is so painful I almost stop breathing. But I persevere, I trust EFT. I trust myself. I want to be free of unwanted negative emotion that is holding me back. I weep. I do a Matrix Re-Imprinting sesion for myself. It only takes a minute or two. And then the memory is clear. I can look back without judging myself. I can see I did something I would have preferred not to do (actually, before you start fantasising, it was the first time I yelled at the children to put their toys away themselves, but it was a big yell and very scary for them. This I know, because I saw them freeze). I cleared and forgave. Cleared and forgave. And then I could breathe again.
So now the hole has closed. I can open her door and look in her room without fear. I can open the door to my own heart and look in there without fear.
Thank you.
Filed under: Autism,being a parent of special needs child, home education, self[development, autism, loneliness, parents of autistic children, parents of special needs children, special needs
